thundering silence

The Other Shoe

I keep waiting for it to drop. I've felt just fine, except for last night, since I started taking the new drug. Last night I had the same ill feeling I had when I was pregnant. I think it was less to do with the meds and more to do with the fact that I'd not eaten much all day and we'd taken a long walk in Golden Gate Park. My blood sugar was really low and once I ate I started to feel better.

I keep expecting to feel awful now that I'm Paxil free, only took a supplement that first day. I even felt wonderful all day on Dylan's party day. I feel overwhelmingly lucky. And I keep hoping I'll see the pounds slide right off now.  Probably shouldn't expect to see that tomorrow in the mirror though huh?

Day One of the great switch

Well... took the first Zoloft pill this morning and zero Paxil.

Didn't start feeling lousy till the afternoon. Then after about two hours of feeling worse and worse, I decided to take matters into my own hands by self-prescribing some Paxil to help myself through this transition. I took half of a pill and within the hour I was feeling better, not great, but better.

So my plan is to do the same tomorrow and maybe the next day, just to help myself over the hump. I think this is going to work. Especially since the Zoloft dose is actually lower than the dose of Paxil I've been taking.

Tomorrow might be a bit rough. I found myself ready to kick my brother-in-law out of the house today as he was making me crazy. Keeps watching Entourage on On Demand, a show I really don't like and REALLY don't want Dylan exposed to. Every other word is Fuck and while I'm not a prude and I curse too, I'm trying to keep Dylan's world, especially his learning English world, as clean as possible. I'd really not be too happy if his first word was cock-sucker or something like that.

Michael's been in the kitchen for hours making four traditional Italian lasagnas with bechemel sauce and all. It's a divine recipe but takes hours what with all the chopping and sauteeing etc.

Good thing is that tomorrow all we have to do is throw the salads together, get the floors swiffered and pick up the cake. I'm also going to be making carrot muffins for the kids since some may like those a LOT better than cake and they are healthier too.

What were we thinking inviting 30 people?

Jumble of emotions.

So tomorrow morning I am going to switch from 15 mg of Paxil to 25 mg of Zoloft. I've gained 20 pounds since increasing my Paxil dosage and I've had ZERO libido which as you can imagine is NOT good for my marriage. Also I'm tired ALL THE TIME, no matter how much sleep I get.

I saw my doctor today and he said all of this can probably be fixed by switching. Also, I was really concerned that if I got pregnant, Paxil would be dangerous to take. They've recently reclassified it to a Class D drug. Zoloft is a Class B drug. It has the smallest amounts of any SSRI crossing the placenta. This makes me feel a lot safer about the possibility of getting pregnant and GOD knows I wouldn't want to go through the switch while pregnant.

So I'm nervous too. Last time I decreased my Paxil dosage, when I was six months pregnant, I had HORRID side effects. They lasted about 10 days: nausea, vertigo, skin crawling, a ringing in my head, a feeling like my brain was buzzing, anxiety, agitation and the worst part... feeling like I was going insane.

So you can see why I'm nervous about quitting completely and switching to something else. But the doctor said that while I could possibly have some problems, some people switch and don't notice anything at all. Plus, I was pregnant when I changed doses last time and everything was magnified.

Michael said that maybe I should wait until next week so that we can have Dylan's party and me not be a basket case. While I agree with that, I also feel like having family around and lots of help with Dylan for the next three days will make me feel so much more secure than doing it alone next week.

So I step off the cliff tomorrow and I'm excited about the changes, doctor says I should start losing weight almost immediately, and get my libido back, but also scared that I'm about to enter the Ninth Circle of Hell again.

BIG BREATH

Happy Birthday Dylan!

My beautiful baby boy,

I really can't believe a year has gone by. You've grown so much in so many ways. It's 10:30 am and a year ago today I was just getting my pitocin drip to get contractions started so you'd make your appearance. It didn't take long. Only 10.5 hours later you arrived, healthy and full of vigor.

That first week in the hospital was so rough. You were perfectly healthy but they made you stay for a whole week, coming up with things here and there to prolong your stay. It was the most excrutiating pain I've ever felt having to leave you the second day. I was released and they had no extra room for me to stay so your dad and I had to go home. Not having you with me put me in the most painful place I've ever been. You'd been part of me for so long and now you were alone, without me and your daddy, in an incubator in some noisy nursery. I cried the whole way home and the whole way back to the hospital the next day.

Your dad fought really hard with the doctors and nurses to get you home as soon as possible. He was my hero. I was too tired and too infatuated with you to do it myself.

You were the most beautiful baby we'd ever seen.

You stole our hearts immediately. We couldn't stop looking at you. Tracing the lines of your tiny face. Touching your tiny fingers and toes. Feeling your soft baby fuzz hair. Watching you sleep was such a joy.

You took to nursing right away and had already regained your 6 pounds one ounce birth weight only five days after your birth.

When we brought you home we were in such peace. Finally the doctors weren't probing. Finally you were sleeping in our bed with us, snuggled up, with your sweet baby breath in our faces.

Time passed quickly and you amazed us everyday by your strength, your mind, your spirit.

You've brought us more joy than you can possibly imagine. I'm so lucky to be able to spend everyday with you. Your daddy works and I stay home with you, playing all day.

You've become a wonderful sleeper, going to bed between 7:30 and 8 every night and getting up at 6 or 6:30, even though you do wake between 4:30 and 5:30 a few times. You nap twice a day still and that suits me just fine. I rest up so we can play, play, play.

You love to go for walks, to play with your wonderful friends, to go shopping and see all the people, to ride in the grocery cart.

You especially love bath time.

Oh my darling boy, on this your first birthday, I wish you smiles and laughter and happiness. I wish you wisdom to light your way. I wish you truth and peace. I wish you love.

Love,

Mommy

Can you say Neurotic?

So this spinach e-coli thing actually has me all freaked. I think I'd be fine if I hadn't heard that it can take 5 to 10 days for the symptoms to appear and I had spinach less than 10 days ago.

Now the freak neurotic in me has also become afraid of any bagged greens, thinking it's only a matter of time before everything becomes unsafe.

Aren't I supposed to be on medication to fix this kind of thinking?

Why is it...

That guys don't wipe off counters or stoves when they do dishes??? This seems to be a ubiquitous problem. EVERY woman I've talked to, including my mother, has the same complaint.

And what's so hard about squeezing the water out of the sponge instead of leaving it wet and disgusting in the bottom of the sink?

I just don't get it. I know they can SEE the crap on the counters. Why do they just leave it there?

One of the mysteries of the universe I guess.

Um, yeah, I'm a tiger.

Um, yeah, I'm a tiger., originally uploaded by mmarano.

Mom and Dad think this is a lot cuter than I do. It also has a hood and booties. Guess I can't get out of this one for Halloween. Oh well, there's always next year. ROAR!

Dude it's pretty cold out here!

Tom's B-day party, originally uploaded by mmarano.

Blah

I just feel blah. I don't know why exactly. Just stuck. Blah.

I feel fat, that's for sure. And I do know why. I've gained about 12 pounds since Dylan was five months old when I was back into my skinny jeans. I think it might be my meds but it's also my shitty diet. I want to look and feel good again.

I'm not sleeping well. I've been having nightmares and/or just wacko dreams for a week now. I'm feeling irritable much of the time. It's a real bummer and it's not fun for Michael either.

I gotta find a way to fix all this.

Oy Veh!

Beck's one!, originally uploaded by mmarano.

Actually he's just trying to take off the birthday hat. It was his buddy's first birthday party. All the kids did great. No meltdowns and they all seemed to have fun. Dylan is next!